So there are those of you who know that I am well one who believes strongly in the power of prayer. There have been too many things that I have survived to not believe in God, but still with all of the proof that he was always present in my life I still doubted his existence at one or more times. Often like an angry little child who didn't get her way I would throw a fit and scream and yell and fight with him. Oh ya I went there. But before you judge you need to understand why.
You see I have been met with my fair share of battles. Abusive Ex, Cancer, Miscarriages, Family Deaths, Friends Deaths, Depression, Bad Health, Addiction, Divorce. Wow when I write it all out I look freaking cool NOT!
I swear can you say Life Time Movie in the making???? I mean seriously were the heck is Jennifer Garner to play me on my Saturday night movie??? The script would write it self, not to mention the drama characters such as the Frog Prince, the Wicked Queen, and I think I would be a mix of Cinderella, and Farrah Fosetts character in the Burning Bed, with a mix of Audrey Hepburn from My Fair lady.
To say the least there have been those moments in my life that really I had to wonder what the hell I had done in a past life to get the Karma that was coming at me like a swarm of bee's. I mean was I really that bad of a person that I deserved the treatment from the Frog Prince, and heck that isn't enough so lets pepper the violence with a touch of Cancer, a TBSP. of death, a cup of depression, and heck while we're at it a pinch of addiction, and frost the whole thing with Divorce?????? I mean seriously what in the world could I have done to even deserve part of this life that I was dealt????
And here in the lowest point that I could reach I decided to question God. I mean in my mind I was not evil, had not committed any mortal sin's, and was basically a nice person. I am not calling myself perfect in anyway but I sure as heck wasn't serving time because I freaked out on the Frog Prince and put arsenic in his coffee! So at this low low and I do mean low low part in my life I went to the men that I trust the most my Monks of Carmelite. I mean if there was anyone that I was going to believe it would be these men and only these men (ya I so have a complex with trusting men you found me out!). So on the lowest of days crying hysterically the whole trip over the mountain I went to my Monks. It was late, and the weather was fitting to me not really being in since with God it was raining and lightening (which for the record so needs to go in the movie! it sets the scene don't you think?). Anyway, I go to the Monks and being the amazing men that they are they offer me counsel. They at first listen while I hysterically recount all of the wrongs that I believe have been put on me, after that I then give my justification for why I was positive there could be no God in this world that would have let this happen to me, or my children, and heck while I was at it I included sister's, friends, family, I think I even included the homeless guy I found under my tree that previous winter. And through all of my tyraid my Monk (Brother Simon Mary) sat and held my hand, while Father Daniel Mary sat and listened, and nodded. Talk about control under pressure! I mean seriously I was spilling my theories, anger, and tears with snot, and these men acted as if I was reading them the Sports section!
So when finally with no more strength or ammo I stopped talking (this is a feat for me so give a girl a break). And this is when my Monk did the sweetest thing a man has ever done for me, he cried with me! Yup, while holding me he cried, and Father prayed. And with more love than any man has shown me , these men cried, prayed, and then talked me off my ledge. And with this night I credit them with saving me. You see I am not one to ever consider harming myself, but at the point I was at it had been just a thought in my mind. So that night with their kindness, loving manner, they showed me what I knew all along God was there through it all. He was in the room the first night the Frog Prince had hurt me, He was there in the hospital with me when I lost both my babies, He was there beside me when I was given the news that I had Stage 3 Cancer, He was there through the months of surgeries, depression, addiction, and he was even there in the court when I had to fight for my babies against the Frog Prince. He never left, he just sat there and cried, while holding my hand, and prayed, and gave me the strength to get through the trials that had been placed on my life.
But you see God was there when the movement of each new life inside me, he was there for the first laugh of my babies, the love in their eyes, and he was there to give me the strength to take out the Frog Prince. You see, we silly humans think that just because our emotions feel despair and fear that our creator couldn't possibly be there for these times. And yet there he is. It is because being a human and all I sometimes take for granted the graces in which he places on me that I wear my scapular, from my Monks. It is when I look at this I know he is there! I may feel terrible and lost and afraid but he is there! There are only a handful of people that I have ever given a scapular too, these are my babies, sister's, mom, and one very special person. You see this is a huge part of my faith and beliefs and it is not to be taken lightly. So those that have them know why and what I have given this gift to them for.
