There are always going to be those moments in ones life that you are going to remember. Now it can be one of those sweet memories were you remember your babies first steps, or the first time they say mommy. Then there are those memories were you remember your first kiss, or your first heartbreak. And among all of these there those memories that you learn from.
Now there are those times in my life that I have felt fear beyond belief, fear that paralyzes you. I have felt such fear when faced with the moment of losing a child. I have also felt this when given the diagnosis of having Cancer, with three little girls at home.
But there is a moment in my life that I have just recently been faced with and that is the memory of what for so long I have stated as my biggest mistake. This is were I must say I have found my self humbled. I have found myself in a moment with my darling lil Boo, and I found in the time that it took for her to ask a simple question I was brought to tears. Here is how the conversation went: "Mommy?" "Yes" "Did you ever love Daddy? "(first stab in my heart); "Well at one time yes" "Mommy?" "Yes" "Since you don't love Daddy anymore, does that mean you won't love me someday?"(the knife twisted so deep I felt like I couldn't breathe) "Oh baby no, I will always always love my babies" "But Mommy you loved Daddy and stopped it means you can stop" This is were I never thought I would be.
The idea that the divorce had sent such a fear into my lil babies heart, the fear that her mommy could stop loving her killed me. So very often when I am having one of those amazing days were my children are clean, fed, and happy truly happy and I am delusional enough to believe that I am doing everything so so very right I forget the true backlash that comes with the territory.
You see there are those moments that you remember from fear, but the fearful memories are those that can't compare to the ones you learn from. The ones you learn from cause pain, understanding, tears, humbleness, and knowledge.
This little conversation also struck fear in my heart. You see I am a mommy who is alone truly alone in a fear that when I try to rebuild a family for my little ones again, I have to with absolutely no doubt in my mind to commit to another relationship.
How does one do this? How is it that one is able to enter into a relationship and give that person all that they are? Can I give an un-scarred, unscared, pure love anymore? What if faced with the man of my dreams, a man that loves, supports, respects, and adores me and my children I am faced with the memories of the fear that my sweet lil girl has?
I never entered into my relationship with my ex with baggage. He had the total and complete clean slate if you will. I was young, and new to relationships really, and in all reality I was jaded to the fact of Love. I was still in the belief that I would rock down the aisle to November Rain, with that AMAZING wedding dress that the model wore in the video. And yet the fairytale ended in the middle, instead of the princess having trials and then being rescued by her prince, I was lead to believe I was rescued at the beginning and then the trials never ended.
So when looking at the relationship with the Frog Prince, I must say this: I was not perfect. I didn't always say the right things. I made Mistakes. I was not always strong when I needed to be. I didn't support all he wanted.
But to this I will say I may be humbled by the conversation with my lil baby, but I do know that I can't enter into a relationship that is meant to last FOREVER with the fear that it will not have the Happily Ever After. So once again the hopeless romantic of mommy ville, will love like she has never loved, live like she has never lived, and learn from all those memories!
